Scouser Jokes

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There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool. Taxpayers.

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Just a quick message to all you scousers out there on the Forum; Return the computer and turn yourself in.

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Ten Liverpudlians arrive in heaven at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter. "What are you doing here?" he asks. "We've got no record of you. Just wait here while I check with The Boss." So off he goes to check with God who tells him to go back and ask them how they died. A few minutes later he reports back to God, "They've gone." "Gone? What, all the Scousers?" queries God. "No, the Gates," replies St Peter.

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My Grandad from Liverpool doesn't think he'll ever see his beloved Reds win the title again in his lifetime. "Don't think like that Grandad," I said, "You're still only 28."

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I just had a go at the Liverpool version of Monopoly. It's just like regular Monopoly except every space reads: Go to Jail.

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I came out a pub in Liverpool the other night and was approached by a hooker. "Fancy a shag?" she asked. "I only have a fiver," I said. She replied, "it's okay, I have change."

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I walked into a corner shop In Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked, "How much is this love?" She said, "You're not from round here are you?"

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I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time. Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"

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Most Scousers can trace their family tree back at least 15 generations. All the way back to 1980.

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A scouser started working at my office this morning. It's about time - he's been here two ****ing years.

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Police have cordoned off an area in Croxteth after sightings of an unidentified, never seen before, circular object. Turns out it's a tax disc

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Scousers take everything seriously. No seriously, they take everything.

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My wife's scouse friend is staying with us at the moment. She said, "I'm really freaked out by all those blokes hanging round the children's playground." I said, "We have a name for people like that round these parts: FATHERS."

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Gerrard: "Liverpool is a magical place." Probably explains why so much stuff disappears there...

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Ferrari's Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the ****er to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard's bird getting shagged up the arse.

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Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car". Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

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In my Biology test today one of the questions asked me to name something you'd find in a cell. A Scouser

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Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. F@@king typical, all the windows are boarded up and some coonts nicked all the f@@king chocolate.

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What do you call a virgin from Liverpool? An only child.

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What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy? A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow.

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A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

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A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

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A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh shit, not my brother! He's from Liverpool! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "and what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answers, "Denephew."

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Stephen Hawking has neuro-muscular dystrophy. Despite being unable to speak and being confined to a wheelchair, he's written multiple scientific papers, several books on the subjects of applied mathematics, theoretical physics and cosmology. He even found time to write a couple of children's books. He's experienced zero gravity on NASA's "Vomit comet". He even received the OBE for his work. He did all this while he held a full time job as a Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University.
He's achieved so much DESPITE his crippling illness...

So how is it that the scouser that lives next door to me is able to play football every weekend but is STILL too ill to get a ****ing job?

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I told a knock-knock joke to a room full of scousers last night.

Nobody heard the punchline, they were all too busy flushing their gear down the toilets.

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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand

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I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss Liverpool."

So I smashed the window and stole the radio.

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When Scousers want to get their kids a trampoline, which website do they look at first?

Google Maps.

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Why do Scousers have two left feet?

Because shoe-shops don't put the right ones out on display.

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Black men prefer big, banging ghetto blasters. White men favour a more classy, sleek, silver surround sound systems. Scousers are fond of nicked car radios.

I just can't help stereo-typing people.

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How the hell did the authoritites expect a 13 year old scouser to be able to understand the warning signs which read "DANGER - OVERHEAD CABLES - RISK OF DEATH"?

Surely a sign reading "YOOS WIL BEA EELCTRACUUTD IF YOOS CUM IN HEAR XXX" would have been more appropriate?

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Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Brendon Rogers says they should fit in well with Liverpool's style.
Their names?
Nikamota and Robatelli.

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Apparently there has been a massive increase in theft and violent crime in South Africa during the world cup.

OTHER NEWS: Liverpool records its lowest crime rate in decades

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Knockoff Adidas tracksuit: ?9.99
Black facepaint: ?1.99
Length of electrical cable from B&Q: ?3.49
Fake Scouse Accent: Free

Walking around Liverpool in this year's 'most shocking' Halloween costume: Priceless

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Liverpool.

The only place in the world where the Ann Summers shop has a Back to School section.

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While walking through town this morning, some cheeky get asked me, "Sir, would you like to donate twenty pounds to save an endangered species."

I replied, "This is Liverpool mate. The twenty pound note is an endangered species."

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At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5 and 18 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay
man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over towards the Scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.

"I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replies, "something about a job."

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Man walks into a shop in Liverpool

Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?

Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

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My heavily pregnant girlfriend turned up to a fancy dress, dressed as a school girl.
My mate asked, "What's she come as?"
I replied, "A Scouser by the looks of it."

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Everybody is raving about, 'The only way is Essex.'
Personally I prefer, 'The only way is Liverpool...'

Or Crimewatch as it's better known.

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There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool, that the window cleaner goes round with a ****ing sander.

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"It has been a terrible year and I'm fed up of supporting Liverpool,"

...said the Benefits Agency.

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I saw a scouser walking down the road with a sign saying, "& Emergency" tucked under his arm.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

He said, "I found it by Accident."

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I asked a guy, "Where are you from?"
He replied, "Liverpool".
I said, "Sorry...".
He repeated, "...Liverpool".

"No, I heard you," I said, "I'm just sorry."

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You can tell Liverpool is a shit-hole. I just drove past a house on one of the council estates with a big banner hanging from the window, it read; "HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY GRANDMA".

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TV's, mobile phones, mp3 players, children's virginity....

...The only thing that Scousers can't take is a joke.

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http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff308/aftermath_0377/1_zps3b8f0cc3.jpg (http://s238.photobucket.com/user/aftermath_0377/media/1_zps3b8f0cc3.jpg.html)

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I got a scouser a plunger for Christmas.

He really enjoys bringing up old shit.

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I was struggling for the words to ask a girl out on a date.

"I'm sorry," I said, "English is difficult for me. It's my second language."

"Awwww," she smiled. "Can I ask where you are from?"

"Liverpool," I replied.

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Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park is falling into disrepair and there are no funds available to replace it.
When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said:
"Well, it would just have to try and defend itself the best it could."

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The government have announced that anyone who has bought any lumps of useless Irish meat is entitled to a full refund.

Because of this, Liverpool have asked Spurs for their money back!

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I phoned my boss to pull a sickie this morning. I had to put on a voice though, to make it sound like I was genuinely unfit for work.

So I used a scouse accent.

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Jamie Carragher: "If I knew Liverpool would be in the title race I wouldn't have retired" well, If I'd known man was going to land on the moon, I would have tried harder at school and become an astronaut

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BBC NEWS: Man arrested for letting children live in filth.

Or as the locals call it, Merseyside.

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I'm a mad Liverpool supporter and believe in the message "You will never walk alone"

I believe in this because if you walk alone in Liverpool you will get stabbed and robbed.

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A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "?100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?"
"Well its a tenner for the video and ?90 for the Betamax recorder!

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A Scouse lad started work in our office.

Our boss called him over and told him to pick up a package using the pool car.

As the Scouse started running down the stairs the boss called him back.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" said the boss, holding up the car keys.

The Scouse looks at them and says, "What the **** are they?"

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I said to my mate, "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it very hard to leave."

He said, "Did you fall in love with the place?"

I said, "No, I had my car stolen."

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Outside of the killings and Gun crime, Liverpool has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

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Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we ****!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."

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I was walking through Liverpool today when I was stopped by a young kid outside the newsagents.

"Can you buy me some cigarettes please?" he asked.

"Sorry mate, no," I replied.

"Come on," he said, "They're not for me, they're for my dad."

"Well, why can't the lazy coont get them himself?" I asked.

"He's not 18 until February," came the reply.

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Have you heard the news about Liverpools bid for a Mr Messi?

Apparently if that goes well they'll put bids in for Mr Bump and Mr Happy as well.

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I asked my Scouse mate why he only spent three quid on his mum for Mother's Day.

"That's all she had in her purse," he said.

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Note to all Scousers - There's only 370 shoplifting days 'til Christmas.

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Gillian Gibbons has said that her original 15 day prison sentence seemed harsh at the time, but to be released and deported to Liverpool was "Totally ****ing undeserved!".

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What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

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What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.

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Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

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A Scouser was due for release from prison a week later & was writing to his mother.

"How d'ya spell Wendy?" he inquired of his cell-mate.
"W.E.N.D.Y." was the prompt reply.

A couple of minutes later, Scouse was struggling again. "How d'ya spell 'Darrell?'" was the question.
"D.A.R.R.E.L.L." his cell-mate helpfully responded.

A short while longer, the letter was finished:


Dear Mam,

Wendy let me out I need some new trainers. Can you get me a pair Darrell fit?

Love,
Scouse.

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I tried drinking from a Liverpool FC mug yesterday, but it was impossible.

It kept sliding down the table.

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It must have been cold for the match at Anfield on saturday, i saw 40 000 scousers with their hands in their own pockets..! It has been announced that the whole Liverpool squad have planted potatoes in the Anfield pitch so as they have something to lift at the end of the season..!

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A guy pulls alongside a small boy on the pavement,

'I'll give you some sweets if you get in the car.'

'No, leave me alone,' the boy replies.

'Come on, I'll take you for ice cream later as well,' he insists.

The boy suddenly stops and turns to the man and says,

**** off dad, I'm not going to ****ing Anfield again no matter what you say.'

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A guy pulls alongside a small boy on the pavement,

'I'll give you some sweets if you get in the car.'

'No, leave me alone,' the boy replies.

'Come on, I'll take you for ice cream later as well,' he insists.

The boy suddenly stops and turns to the man and says,

f@@k off dad, I'm not going to f@@king Anfield again no matter what you say.'

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Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on Ebay? I made an offer on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 8 minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club!

[Bulld0g]

They weren't even funny 25 years ago when they were manc jokes :boring:

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got a few more dug, but you will all cry , as its all past history and you hate history, especially the last 25 years.

got a few belters for when it gets nasty, lol, should upset the whole of Beirut, i mean Liverpool..

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The Jonathon Ross Show ends at 10.35pm, but don't worry, the comedy continues on BBC One as Stoke v Man Utd is first on Match of the Day!

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Wide scale flooding expected throughout Manchester tonight as thousands of Utd fans flush their season tickets down the toilet.

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Local chemist are selling man u season tickets for ?10. 2 young kids see the advert for the tickets and one says to the other you go in and buy one. ok says the little lad and off he goes into the chemist. 5 minutes later he comes with a packet of condoms and gives em to his mate. his mate says what happened to the tickets ? his mate says **** that you ask for them..................

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20,000 man utd fans been found in the north sea they tried to gas them selves....